Sunday, May 7th, 2017 03:18 am

It was going so well

panicnhysteria: (Default)
[personal profile] panicnhysteria
I hoped my next entry would be a fic or the anecdotes of the oh so awesome three day trip to another city but I just had an anxiety attack? I won't assume I know what even happened, but I imagine that's what happened. 

So my family and I traveled to a city 8 hours away to attend a cousin's 15th birthday party (a quinceañera, if you know what it means). I already knew I would have to dance since at every party either my dad or my uncle insist until I dance at least one song with them.

I had already danced one song with my dad so I thought the torture was over, and soon the music passed from danceable music to that (no offense to people who like this) annoying bass-only, dance-with-jumps music that makes everyone gi crazy.

I knew I wasn't going in there but then my mother insisted and basically dragged me to the dancefloor again. I tried. I really tried to do as the rest. Some people stepped from side to side, others simply jumped, but I felt incredibly awkward trying ti do either.

Logic told me nobody was actually even looking at me, but there were like 50 people pushed against each other, all moving and I was just trying to subtly tell my mom that I was going back to our table. There were strobing lights making me blink and left my eyes watering for how bright they were.

I finally yelled at my mom over the music that I couldn't do it and I was going back. She went back with me because she didn't want to dance with the rest of the guests on her own. We sit at our table and my grandma asks her why we came back so soon. And my mum decided to answer "I don't know, mum. She says she doesn't like it but she doesn't even try."

And I quickly went to the bathroom where I broke down crying. I hate that she thinks my failed attempt was a lack of wanting. Lately all I want is to be able to interact with people as everyone seems to do. Join the dancing people, dare to dance in the middle, even have a better response than awkwardly smile everytime a relative says something good about me.

They all think I hate people because I want to and have given up on me because, in their eyes, I am never willing to try. They don't understand, I'm always trying and always failing. Tonight I felt trapped between people and within myself and that's the worst feeling I've ever had.
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