Elena (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
panicnhysteria) wrote2015-08-28 02:11 am
panicnhysteria) wrote2015-08-28 02:11 am
Clearing Things Up - Love life (Past)
Hi.
I don't know who will read this or who will care about it, but it feels good to let out all the stuff that is going on inside my mind. So... I don't care. But I love telling things and I love people commenting on it (attention seeker much?) so, comment if you even read this.
A few hours ago I posted a picture on instagram about the things I don't have. One of those things is a partner... as in, a romantic partner. I've accepted I like both boys and girls now. I don't have a problem with it. But it seems like there's absolutely nothing normal about my love interests. But before I get to the present, I'd like to talk about my past.
6 years ago I discovered the wonders of the internet.(I was really young but my family rules are not appropiate so...) Back then, I was trying to become a poet, dreaming about the day someone would really appreciate what I wrote. So I wrote and wrote and posted all my poems online. And then he came, a boy actually commenting my stuff was good! You could say I was excited, and I tried to socialize.
In so little time of chatting, I found out he lived in another country so, with the not so innocent mind of a teen girl, I told him I lived in the same country as him and that I was older than I really was (There wasn't a big age difference - 4 years - but still, better safe than sorry, right?).
Of course that was a disaster and as soon as he insisted on meeting me, I had to tell him the truth. Surprisingly enough, he wasn't annoyed and he didn't stop talking to me. So we decided to be friends. We shared our poems, our daily stories, our music choices and lots of MSN emojis (Oh, I miss that).
One day, silly and enamoured, I decided to write a poem asking him to be my boyfriend. I had no perspective of right and wrong (I think I still don't, if I'm being honest), and he wrote a poem saying yes. You can tell this relationship was VERY cheesy. We chatted every day, and when I learned about the danger of talking with people online, I asked him to let me see him. I was lucky enough to find exactly who I was expecting. So, we chatted, we talked and we saw each other.
Then it was time to move on with school. New school, new friends, new perspective. I kept Alex (let's say his name is Alex, for pronoun's sake) as a secret from my friends and family because I felt like they wouldn't understand. A year passed (We were close to 2 years together) when I realized my online relationship was affecting my school work. I started feeling angry at him for saying hi to me and I started not answering him straight away. And I decided to break up with him.
He accepted it but I could tell he was sad. I was just confused. I recovered on my school grades and set my priorities straight and a few months later (we didn't stop talking) he asked me to come back together and I said yes.
This time I was way more confident about our relationship (Thinking: "We broke up and got back together and our love must be stronger than I thought!") So, I told my three new friends (another story for another time) about him. They were a little suspicious and really protective so with chat groups and facebook (yes!) I made them talk to him. They quickly found things in common and started being friendly. I was happy.
So, I find myself shocked when a day out of nowhere he says "he's really sorry but he doesn't love me anymore. He fell in love with someone else". I was young and hormonal so I just wrote "ok" and blocked him. A couple of days later I find out he actually started something with one of my friends. You could tell I was PISSED. I didn't confront her because if he left me that quickly then it was not worth it.
Besides, I knew her. She was the kind of girl who had a new boyfriend every two months. And I sent one message to Alex warning him about that but he just said they were in love so I let them be. Soon enough, as I thought, this friend tells me she broke up with him because she didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't say anything. A few days later Alex tries to contact me again, and I let him know clearly that we won't be more than friends... ever. He's okay with that, even if sometimes he tries to be romantinc but I was quick to stop him. Now we're "friends that chat once every year". I'm not sorry for what happened and I don't regret not talking to him. We moved on and I really believe it's for the best.
After that episode, (it all ended in 2012-ish) I passed through a couple of typical crushes (thinking a guy was cute, thinking I'd like to hug him and stuff, realizing it's going nowhere and keep living).
And then I fell in love with a girl without neither of us noticing. That's when everything went wrong (and right, I guess)...
I don't know who will read this or who will care about it, but it feels good to let out all the stuff that is going on inside my mind. So... I don't care. But I love telling things and I love people commenting on it (attention seeker much?) so, comment if you even read this.
A few hours ago I posted a picture on instagram about the things I don't have. One of those things is a partner... as in, a romantic partner. I've accepted I like both boys and girls now. I don't have a problem with it. But it seems like there's absolutely nothing normal about my love interests. But before I get to the present, I'd like to talk about my past.
6 years ago I discovered the wonders of the internet.
In so little time of chatting, I found out he lived in another country so, with the not so innocent mind of a teen girl, I told him I lived in the same country as him and that I was older than I really was (There wasn't a big age difference - 4 years - but still, better safe than sorry, right?).
Of course that was a disaster and as soon as he insisted on meeting me, I had to tell him the truth. Surprisingly enough, he wasn't annoyed and he didn't stop talking to me. So we decided to be friends. We shared our poems, our daily stories, our music choices and lots of MSN emojis (Oh, I miss that).
One day, silly and enamoured, I decided to write a poem asking him to be my boyfriend. I had no perspective of right and wrong (I think I still don't, if I'm being honest), and he wrote a poem saying yes. You can tell this relationship was VERY cheesy. We chatted every day, and when I learned about the danger of talking with people online, I asked him to let me see him. I was lucky enough to find exactly who I was expecting. So, we chatted, we talked and we saw each other.
Then it was time to move on with school. New school, new friends, new perspective. I kept Alex (let's say his name is Alex, for pronoun's sake) as a secret from my friends and family because I felt like they wouldn't understand. A year passed (We were close to 2 years together) when I realized my online relationship was affecting my school work. I started feeling angry at him for saying hi to me and I started not answering him straight away. And I decided to break up with him.
He accepted it but I could tell he was sad. I was just confused. I recovered on my school grades and set my priorities straight and a few months later (we didn't stop talking) he asked me to come back together and I said yes.
This time I was way more confident about our relationship (Thinking: "We broke up and got back together and our love must be stronger than I thought!") So, I told my three new friends (another story for another time) about him. They were a little suspicious and really protective so with chat groups and facebook (yes!) I made them talk to him. They quickly found things in common and started being friendly. I was happy.
So, I find myself shocked when a day out of nowhere he says "he's really sorry but he doesn't love me anymore. He fell in love with someone else". I was young and hormonal so I just wrote "ok" and blocked him. A couple of days later I find out he actually started something with one of my friends. You could tell I was PISSED. I didn't confront her because if he left me that quickly then it was not worth it.
Besides, I knew her. She was the kind of girl who had a new boyfriend every two months. And I sent one message to Alex warning him about that but he just said they were in love so I let them be. Soon enough, as I thought, this friend tells me she broke up with him because she didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't say anything. A few days later Alex tries to contact me again, and I let him know clearly that we won't be more than friends... ever. He's okay with that, even if sometimes he tries to be romantinc but I was quick to stop him. Now we're "friends that chat once every year". I'm not sorry for what happened and I don't regret not talking to him. We moved on and I really believe it's for the best.
After that episode, (it all ended in 2012-ish) I passed through a couple of typical crushes (thinking a guy was cute, thinking I'd like to hug him and stuff, realizing it's going nowhere and keep living).
And then I fell in love with a girl without neither of us noticing. That's when everything went wrong (and right, I guess)...