Sunday, August 30th, 2015 03:26 am
That Girl...
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panicnhysteriaThe subject I can't leave out!
Maybe because I like things to be the most inusual I can find... Maybe because my view on everything is "I don't know" so I make risky and stupid and probably unnecesary stuff...
So: I've mentioned B before, right here, if you're actually interested. I noticed I explained really well the situation back then so I won't do so now. I'll tell what happened since that post (eight months, whoa)
The happiness I expressed last December ended five months later, days before my birthday. B and I started having small discussions and lots of "I'm having doubts" moments. I realized we were going to be more open with each other because we were so used to not talking things to the rest of the world that we forgot we had to talk to each other about our problems and stuff.
So, the cause of that final fight was because of her lack of honest words and me asking for time. I had called her a few weeks before (and I feel so good when I hear her voice, it soothes me) telling her we could and definitely would fight for this thing we had and she said she would try. When I noticed nothing improved (in fact, things got worse), I told her "you know, maybe we could use some time not acting like girlfriends and to talk things out without it being so intense" and she started a fight, saying I didn't have to ask for time because she was going to "free me" from having to be her girlfriend. (It's not me blaming people, she confessed months later that she purposely wrote nasty stuff to make me feel bad and cause the break up).
I was so sad! The worst part was her asking for us to keep talking, since I can't let go that easily of my feelings. By then, my friends knew about my relationship and most of them supported it (just one of them thought my relationship wasn't real because we couldn't see each other... meh) and they all supported me during that time.
And then some time later Ifucked up tried a relationship with someone - someone that I could actually touch (Another short story for another time) and it didn't work. It lasted about a month but it did enough to make B lose her trust in me and my feelings. I accepted that because we were a little less than friends so I had to let her be.
When the relationship ended, I just told her and tried to rebuild our friendship (because friendships are the thing I value the most in my life) and it worked a little. We went back to talking just about anything and to talking until the late night/early morning hours. I was ok with this settling.
But! The flirt and small affectionate words also came back and it was a dangerous ground... some flirty stuff we chatted and not being in a relationship confused things a bit (me thinking "is she telling me she wants something?" and her thinking "it's just friendly banter") so... when we discovered this, things were a little awkward. So we talked again deep and long about how were things at the moment and we came to the agreement to see how things went and to whatever happened we'd just let it happen.
I'm really cheesy and affectionate and I almost never have the chance to show it, in this case I could, and I sent her a daily drawing of a flower (she likes flowers and I hate them but I like drawing so it made sense) for 15 days. After those 15 days she wrote a HUGE message, saying she had made a decision and that I would never be her girlfriend again because she still didn't trust me.
I was aware of the 50-50 chances of rejection happening so I wasn't as sad as I was the first time. I had promised I would respect her decision so I told her it was okay. I also told her whatever choice she made she had to accept the consequences of it. Again, we tried being just friends and this time we knew better than to use more-than-kind words. I made plans of keeping the good memories, reflect on the bad memories and start to move on to keep a healthy friendship with her. And it worked for me. The love hasn't gone but I started feeling better and better and I'm not actually looking for any kind of relationship right now.
So, two days ago she tells me she still feels something wrong about the way we talk so I offered my attention and my honesty (because is the best I can offer since I can't take the first step in anything) for whatever she wanted to say. She wrote a HUGE message (she likes those) about how she was feeling so bad because of the things she said and that she still loved me and needed my love but she knew what she had decided had changed me and she just had to deal with it.
I believe that was actually a good closure, that she needed me to know that in order to feel better. And the truth is, I remember the good bits and even some of the bad moments and I still love her (I think... I'm always doubting if I've ever felt real love for someone). Not this invincible kind of love, not anymore because of the things that happened. But I still want things. I want to talk to her without being awkward until 5 am, I want to call her and hear her voice, I want to have her as my only audience to my awful singing. And I don't know if it's love or just holding onto the things I loved about 'us'.
I can't allow us more chances, because the last time I did that it didn't end well. I can just hope we can remember this and feel good about it. I'm on my way on it. She said I was her first love so... I feel really special and I'm grateful of the chances and love she gave me and we both made mistakes and I'm really sorry things couldn't be perfect forever. If I had the chance to go back in time, I'd still ask her to be my girlfriend. I'll always remember the first and probably only girl I loved, my sense of being part of her family and her being the biggest and brightest part of my days.
Maybe because I like things to be the most inusual I can find... Maybe because my view on everything is "I don't know" so I make risky and stupid and probably unnecesary stuff...
So: I've mentioned B before, right here, if you're actually interested. I noticed I explained really well the situation back then so I won't do so now. I'll tell what happened since that post (eight months, whoa)
The happiness I expressed last December ended five months later, days before my birthday. B and I started having small discussions and lots of "I'm having doubts" moments. I realized we were going to be more open with each other because we were so used to not talking things to the rest of the world that we forgot we had to talk to each other about our problems and stuff.
So, the cause of that final fight was because of her lack of honest words and me asking for time. I had called her a few weeks before (and I feel so good when I hear her voice, it soothes me) telling her we could and definitely would fight for this thing we had and she said she would try. When I noticed nothing improved (in fact, things got worse), I told her "you know, maybe we could use some time not acting like girlfriends and to talk things out without it being so intense" and she started a fight, saying I didn't have to ask for time because she was going to "free me" from having to be her girlfriend. (It's not me blaming people, she confessed months later that she purposely wrote nasty stuff to make me feel bad and cause the break up).
I was so sad! The worst part was her asking for us to keep talking, since I can't let go that easily of my feelings. By then, my friends knew about my relationship and most of them supported it (just one of them thought my relationship wasn't real because we couldn't see each other... meh) and they all supported me during that time.
And then some time later I
When the relationship ended, I just told her and tried to rebuild our friendship (because friendships are the thing I value the most in my life) and it worked a little. We went back to talking just about anything and to talking until the late night/early morning hours. I was ok with this settling.
But! The flirt and small affectionate words also came back and it was a dangerous ground... some flirty stuff we chatted and not being in a relationship confused things a bit (me thinking "is she telling me she wants something?" and her thinking "it's just friendly banter") so... when we discovered this, things were a little awkward. So we talked again deep and long about how were things at the moment and we came to the agreement to see how things went and to whatever happened we'd just let it happen.
I'm really cheesy and affectionate and I almost never have the chance to show it, in this case I could, and I sent her a daily drawing of a flower (she likes flowers and I hate them but I like drawing so it made sense) for 15 days. After those 15 days she wrote a HUGE message, saying she had made a decision and that I would never be her girlfriend again because she still didn't trust me.
I was aware of the 50-50 chances of rejection happening so I wasn't as sad as I was the first time. I had promised I would respect her decision so I told her it was okay. I also told her whatever choice she made she had to accept the consequences of it. Again, we tried being just friends and this time we knew better than to use more-than-kind words. I made plans of keeping the good memories, reflect on the bad memories and start to move on to keep a healthy friendship with her. And it worked for me. The love hasn't gone but I started feeling better and better and I'm not actually looking for any kind of relationship right now.
So, two days ago she tells me she still feels something wrong about the way we talk so I offered my attention and my honesty (because is the best I can offer since I can't take the first step in anything) for whatever she wanted to say. She wrote a HUGE message (she likes those) about how she was feeling so bad because of the things she said and that she still loved me and needed my love but she knew what she had decided had changed me and she just had to deal with it.
I believe that was actually a good closure, that she needed me to know that in order to feel better. And the truth is, I remember the good bits and even some of the bad moments and I still love her (I think... I'm always doubting if I've ever felt real love for someone). Not this invincible kind of love, not anymore because of the things that happened. But I still want things. I want to talk to her without being awkward until 5 am, I want to call her and hear her voice, I want to have her as my only audience to my awful singing. And I don't know if it's love or just holding onto the things I loved about 'us'.
I can't allow us more chances, because the last time I did that it didn't end well. I can just hope we can remember this and feel good about it. I'm on my way on it. She said I was her first love so... I feel really special and I'm grateful of the chances and love she gave me and we both made mistakes and I'm really sorry things couldn't be perfect forever. If I had the chance to go back in time, I'd still ask her to be my girlfriend. I'll always remember the first and probably only girl I loved, my sense of being part of her family and her being the biggest and brightest part of my days.
