Doubts!

[panicnhysteria]

What a boring life I'd have if I didn't have any doubts. Writer block is shit so I can't write a story to rant about it. Somehow I can write to no end about my problems.... but whatever.

I find myself in love... again. Different person, different feeling. Every time I feel I finally felt love, there comes someone who makes me feel a lot more than I ever did before. To smile with just a word, to feel loved with just a sentence... It's amazing.

But I didn't want to fall in love. At least not like this.

I'm way too experienced in the online-dating world. The best relationship I've ever had to this day was made just through chats and self-made poetry and the barrier of a screen and kilometers between said person. I know how difficult it is to keep a relationship like that. How fast you can fall and how it's even faster to see all that you believed strong to vanish before you even notice there's something wrong. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again. Too much worrying about someone you haven't even met in real life. But I did it again.

I'm also experienced in the "falling for a great friend" thing. Fortunately, this hasn't been as difficult. When it has happened, I choose to say the truth (maybe not immediately but...) and see whatever happens from it (nothing lol). When you have an amazing time with one person is easy to develop a crush on them. To feel that maybe being more than friends would be great. But I've told myself it's a little tiresome to worry about ruining one's friendship with someone you care about so I avoid it. But I did it again.

(Not to mention the whole I'm questioning my sexuality right now and it's confusing as hell factor. But that's another story)

I've had my friend B for... three years now. We clicked right away because we liked the same things and we were just the right amount of crazy to understand each other. I thought I made a fucking good friend with her because it just felt right. This is where the crazy part is relevant.

She's an amazing cook and I can't cook to save my life LOL. One day between jokes and finding something to talk about, I said "I'd marry you if you cooked that". And somehow we decided having a "marriage" was a good idea. (A fake one, just for fun, confirmed on fb though).

I thought nothing special about that fact right until the moment I found myself thinking about B more and more. I introduced my closest friends to her and I sent her a letter (a cool and hilarious letter). And we started calling each other in skype (only audio and sometimes video because we're shy as hell) and I got to know her better and I thought she was like really fucking amazing. We connected over writing, Muse, good series, and skype concerts to her. (Considering I'm shy when I sing, it's a pretty big deal for me).

The bad thing is I start wondering about things when I'm too bored. One day I simply knew if I kept chatting and acting like a wife with her (silly fake couple-y things) I would end up falling for her and I wouldn't be able to tell what feelings were real and what feelings were just game.

A couple of friends told me to start acting like a normal friend (without the fake marriage part) to get over things but I didn't exactly want to. Finally, someone told me to tell her how I felt before things became too confusing to me.

And I didn't because I'm a coward xD. But I did change something.I started acting more boldly with her. Being more romantic and a little more serious about the things we said all the time.

Then came the day when I wrote another letter while I was in class. A love letter. A cheesy, mad, HUGE letter where I said everything I thought and felt at the moment. It was a way to let out the feelings I was carrying inside and casually mentioned said letter to her. She wanted to see it and I showed it to her. I was nervous as fuck.

An hour later I got a response. I was not being rejected. In fact, my feelings were very much welcome. But she asked for time to think about the whole situation, saying that she didn't know in what way she loved me. And I don't care about it much because... feelings are feelings.

We changed the way we talk gradually. We say the L word more often and now it really feels like a relationship.

And the doubt is.... there are no doubts! And nothing can be that easy. As I said before, she lives in another country. Very close actually but right now it's impossible to travel to meet. Not to mention she's older and I'm caged in my city because of the way my parents think. But I feel good and in love and in the damn clouds when I'm chatting or talking with her. We've become big parts of each other's life. Her family knows about the crazy mexican friend she has and my family knows about the crazy online friend I have. Nothing wrong there. We're always finding something new about each other and we keep forgetting things we already knew. We can talk about anything and everything is close to perfection.

Then there is the part where nothing is sure right now.

I don't know if someday I'll meet her. If I do, I don't know how we'll react, I don't know what we'll do, I don't know what we'll be. If we act as strangers I'll feel awful. If we act like friends I'll want more. If we act like more I'll feel nervous. There is no safe way to go there. In this mad universe where eveything goes perfectly... the fact that one one knows I love her like that still remains.

I don't care about people in general. I care about my friends and if they'd support me (which they'd do because they're the best friends I could have ever found). But I care the most about my family. I don't know what they think about such themes as sexual orientation and if the day comes, I'm scared to think what they'll have to say. More than feeling the support or not... I would want to still feel loved. The rest I'd live without, but the love only family can give you is essential.

When I think about risking my family's love sometimes I feel it'd be better if I never told them. But there's B.... and there's not knowing what is going on.

Only time can tell but waiting makes me think more and more about it. Right now I'm all for enjoying what I have. If things go good great, fine, perfect, like a fairytale I'll worry about that when the time comes.

For now... Writing about it made me feel fucking good. Sometimes it's necesary to understand what's going on inside your head.